I got a garden seal the other day. I’d been looking forward to it for quite some time, having ordered it months ago, and it finally came, shipped by FedEx and left on my front stoop, blocking the door.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when I opened the crate, sure enough, there it was: a garden seal. What, you may ask, is a garden seal? Well, as I’ve since learned, it’s kind of like a Hawaiian Monk Seal or a Mediterranean Monk Seal. It’s a subspecies of earless seal genetically engineered specifically for gardens, or more precisely, for fountains in gardens.
My fountain had previously contained just a few sculptures, and I thought it a bit boring. Yes, the statue of Donald Trump peeing on Russian prostitutes brought lots of laughs from visitors, but I wanted to class up the place a little so I ordered the garden seal.
What I didn’t realize when I ordered it was that it was going to be alive. I thought it was just another statue. I guess that’s why it looked so realistic. And I didn’t read the fine print. When I went back and checked, sure enough, there it was – practically impossible to find – a disclaimer that the seal was both a living creature and nonrefundable.
So I have a garden seal now. It took me a while to warm up to it. First of all, you wouldn’t believe how much fish it eats. Secondly, it barks at all hours, for reasons that are often indecipherable. And third, it doesn’t seem to care for me very much. It tolerates me, of course, because I feed it, but it mostly stays away from me, looking out at the street, searching for pedestrians.
It’s become a bit of a nuisance frankly, begging for treats from everyone who wanders by. So I’ve taken to selling pieces of fish like some street vendor, letting my neighbors fund part of the expense. And why not, since they’re the ones benefitting the most from its presence.
It wouldn’t be so bad if the seal would just stay in the damn fountain, but lately it’s been in the habit of exploring the neighborhood at night, flippering from house to house in search of better grub.
The woman across the street told me it invaded her backyard the other day while she was trying to enjoy a picnic with her family. The seal somehow opened the back gate, barked at their dog to scare it away, then plopped its head down into the chocolate cake, snuffling and grunting happily as it devoured every last morsel. She generously refrained from calling the cops because her children found the experience delightful, but she warned me not to let the beast loose again.
Yet every time I try to chain it up, it attacks me, baring its fangs and charging me. I tried everything I could to get rid of it. The company that sold it to me went out of business. The zoo said they’re full up of seals and then reported me to the humane society.
Other people have called the police multiple times the past few weeks, and they threaten to arrest me every time they show up. They probably would have if they could have found someone to care for the creature. Instead they’ve ignored my entreaties to take the animal with them and issued me several citations for harboring a nuisance.
That said, I sort of like having the seal now. After all, it’s a friggin’ seal! In my yard! In my fountain! I wanted something that made a statement and I got it. So I really can’t complain. Seals are awesome! Everyone should think about getting one.
Oh, by the way, if anyone out there is interested in a garden seal, I’m sure I could find one for you cheap.